LEARNING TO BE SOFT

DRAMA IS DRAMA IS DRAMA IS DRAMA DESIRE IS DRAMA THOUGHT IS DRAMA BREATHING IS DRAMA EMOTIONS ARE DRAMA ALL FORM IS DRAMA IT'S ALL PART OF THE DRAMA Ram Dass 'Stay small, stay small, stay small' the voice in my head is shouting a little louder today all because I decided to see my body stats. At the end of the day these are just numbers numbers on but for that moment my perception of myself shifted, all my worth was printed right there in front of me and nothing else mattered. My body is changing, and at times this can be difficult to accept. I know I need to include more softness in my life and maybe that means both physically and mentally. Maybe my body is craving to be a little softer, after all I have made sure she has been tough and battle ready for years. Is allowing a little softness to creep in really so bad? I don't think the way I see my body or the numbers are the reasons I cry. I don't cry over weight gain. I cry because of heart ache, the inability to be able to find a grounding and this heaviness I carrying around. I cry over the things I've been suppressing for to far too long my lack of self worth, my anger at the world, my frustration that I can't seem to have things I want, that I am just not good enough. The fear that once people see me for who I am they will walk away. Regret hiring me, dating me or befriending me. Yet rather than express myself I would rather use my body as a punch bag, she quietly and repeatedly take the blows every time I feel sadness, shame or worthless. The time has come to be soft with her and myself. To grieve all of those things in my life that didn't work out and to release all that I have been bitterly holding onto for as long as I can remember. To let go of this desperate need to be this perfect human and to stop fearing life so much and the unknown and unexpected that comes with it. The only thing is right here, right now exactly as things are. There is only the present moment and right here right now. Today is the perfect opportunity to be grateful for my body instead of blaming and berating her for all of the things she isn't, and to treat her with the respect she deserves. At the end of the day she has been there through thick and thin and has quietly forgiven me every single time. My body she is more than just what I see in the mirror, she is strong, she is reliable, she is able, she is healthy and above all she is beautiful. 'Don’t treat yourself so gingerly; you can let go of stuff. Sometimes it takes three breaths instead of two to do it, but you can do it. Be a little tougher and don’t cling to stuff.' Ram Dass