COMING HOME

'Home is the best destination' Rachel Brathen (Conversations from the Heart - Yoga Girl)

I've taken a break from writing and sharing my thoughts over social media recently. I've had a lot going on in my life and a lot to process. I've also been taking a bit of a back seat and been contemplating where I want to take this blog, what I want to share and how I interact with other sites, bloggers and people with similar interests.

Truth be told I haven't been feeling great and at times of inner crisis and looking after my own mental well being is paramount which is why I have been so quiet. I have found the whole social media scene pretty triggering. Not only have I felt less than content with my body image, but also with where I'm at in life and how that compares to others of a similar age to me.

I have had the intention of writing several blogs with different themes such as how I feel about the before and after #fitspo pictures. How we react to the online yoga community and is it inspiring or triggering and is my online presence and contribution yet another self absorbed blog page or does it inspire others as I intend it to, and where do I want to go from here?

I've spent the last couple months contemplating all of these and more. It's led me to make some pretty big life changing decisions and shift some perspectives and see that my priorities have changed, that I am changing. I have become very aware of my age in recent weeks, not that I see myself as old I'm only 28 but that it is time I found my roots. I don't want to settle down just yet but I feel that I am at a point where I would like to root down into a career, to stop job hopping and 'finding myself,' an excuse I've been using for the last 8 years.

A darkness set in a couple of months ago, it's all well and good pretending everything is OK but you can only fool yourself and others for so long. I began to realise that it was time for a change, I was getting stagnant and it was affecting me both physically and mentally. I've been struggling with insomnia, digestive issues and this lethargy, this heavy sadness that leaves me sitting and just staring at the wall because contemplating moving is just to exhausting.

Unlike previous times when I would have let the darkness engulf me, this time I was proactive. The first thing I did was remove myself from social media best I could, I kept up a small bit of interaction but the rest was making me feel worse. Secondly and this is probably the most shocking is that I drastically cut down on the frequency and intensity of my gym sessions. I took up a more regular yoga practice instead, I needed to reconnect with my body and my breath and the thought of going to a busy gym just intensified my anxiety. At least with yoga I can roll my mat out at home and if I choose to just lie in savansana for 1 hour there is no one around to judge me. Thirdly, and the most scary decision I made was to leave my job. I don't have a job a lined up, which is a scary prospect for me but I need a break. I need some head space, I need to get back into my body and reground myself. I think we all hit a wall at some point in our lives, at numerous points in our lives even.

Over the next few months I am going to slow things right down. I'll take to my yoga mat most days but without a feeling of obligation, I will get back into my guided meditations and journal daily. I am going to write and paint and rework my blog. I am going to prepare for my yoga teacher training, go for walks, enjoy glorious food and spend time with my family. I will spending the next couple of months in France because not only am I taking break from working but I am also taking a break from home, form England from my environment. Some may see this as running away, I think sometimes removing yourself from a space full of painful memories and difficult times give you the space to heal.

It has been a year full of change, full of learning to release and let go, yet I am still holding on. holding onto ideas, beliefs and small bits of hope. Things that cause me pain but yet are so familiar I am too scared to let go. To scared of the unknown, of the emptiness I might feel once I rid myself of this burden, only I feel empty now, I feel lonely now, I feel lost now. I'm not saying in a month I will feel less lost but I will be a qualified yoga teacher, I will have one of the tools I need to start pursuing this career I've been so keen to get started up. I will hopefully return a little less frazzled and feeling more myself. I hope to return with a renewed motivation for life rather than this overwhelming urge to just hibernate and avoid all human contact.

I also want to take the time to think about the direction of this blog, is it going to become more yoga and wellbeing focused? Am I going to keep sharing my life lessons? Will it become a platform of my musings? The more I think about it the more I realise I don't want it to become another health blog, dishing out nutritional advice and exercise tips. I don't want to it become a diet blog or a #fitspo hub.

Let me know your thoughts, about anything you would like me to write about, what you have enjoyed reading and what you would like to see more of.